I am so indifferent.
I have gotten to the point where I do not care about school, my future, etc. This isn’t one of those ‘I’m so depressed because I live in area where I get everything I want’ posts, but actually it’s the opposite. I want to quit everything. right here, right now. I just want to be done. Nothing is interesting anymore. Not because I’m sad or life has been cruel to me. I just want to stop this and go do that, whatever that is. I want to run away from home, not out of anger, but out of fear that I won’t ever leave. I would rather live out of my car going place to place, then stay on such a mundane, mediocre routine. I want the summer to be an ongoing road trip, with friends or without. I’m young now, when will I get to say that again? Never. But but but but but there are obligations to fulfill! Keep working for the money you’ll save! Keep working hard at school for your future school for your future job! Keep playing everything safe so you can slack off later when you’re old and a waste of space! Keep being polite and holding your tongue so you can reflect on being respectful to others that won’t remember you, much less care! Keep having talks of future adventures with your friends only to never follow through or keep in touch! I want to get out into the world and learn because that’s what we should learn, instead of calculus and history that I won’t ever remember or care about. If I’m not going to use it, why the hell should I waste my time on it when I could be making my life worth something? Everyone is too busy planning that they miss it, miss everything. I feel like I’m just waiting. Waiting for what? no clue. Sometimes I wish I could do my life over again. Most times I wish I could fast forward to a better part of my life, which is utter bullshit. I’m never not going to be busy; I’m never going to be able to take time off from life and just be. That is something that could ruin me if I dwell on it. It depresses me. It makes every single thing pointless, empty.
And you know what is the most saddening aspect of all of it? Nothing will come of ranting about it. Nothing will come of complaining about it. Nothing will ever change because I am too much of a coward. I’ll keep doing the same things over and over again, only put the blame on society, my parents, etc. When everything I’m mad about is because of me.
“Become good at cheating and you never need to become good at anything else”
